Well let's start off with the obvious one: the recession. This year has totally sucked for most people financially. Layoffs, unemployment, evictions are words that I hear every day now and this is fucking ridiculous. Thank you to all those greedy pricks who raised housing prices to unaffordable levels causing the bubble to burst. Thank you to big auto for not being proactive and making fewer oil dependent cars. Oh, and $4 per gallon for gas..that was fun.

The media says not to feel bad though because those rich kingpins are also being affected now by the economy. Are you shitting me? What, did they have to sell one of their 7 mansions? Their bonus this year was only 6 figures? Reality check here people: that bonus was the salary of at least two people who that same prick laid off because business was "slowing down". I hope those rich assholes get flat tires on their Mercedes and are mugged by their former employees who are now begging for food because they can't afford groceries or rent.

What the hell is the media's obsession with celebrity baby pictures? I used to think Michael Jackson was all kinds of psycho for covering up his kids' faces, but now I think that was brilliant. Stalkerazzi now follow these kids and take pictures of them everywhere. These poor kids are going to have so many problems growing up and everything they do publicized. Imagine going to your first high school keg party and they getting busted by your parents because of a cover on US Weekly and you've never even acted a day in your life.I can just see the headlines coming over the next couple of years: "Suri Cruise Gets Potty Trained" or "The Twins Throw Cake at 1st Birthday Party: Maddox Enraged". But you know what the real sin of it is, the Olsen effect. When these kids are finally 18 and hitting the scene, I am going to be thinking "I would totally do her" and then, BAM, someone is going to flash a baby picture beside them and make me feel like a pervert.

Wii Wii Wii. Such promise. Such innovation. And then, you had to go and get cocky on me. You came out as the kind and lighthearted friend at an affordable price, but then you asked if your little brother could stay with us. Shortly after that your cousin and mother-in-law came as well. I have even heard about your other relatives coming later this year.

I don't know how to tell you this, but I have been cheating on you with my PS3. I thought it was out of my league, but it has always been up front with me. You, my dear Wii, have taken enough of my money and space.

Continuing on my Wii bashing...Wii ports. For anyone who is not familiar with the phrase, a port is when a game is developed for another system and then modified to work on another system. More often than not, this does not work, particularly with the Wii. Games specifically designed for the Wii tend to be pretty good, but when swinging the controller left-right makes your character jump, punch, and look around, this does not make sense. Any game that involves driving a vehicle on the Wii that does not behave like a steering wheel with the one controller is an immediate fail. Anything that is not behave like a natural motion like shaking a controller to reload a weapon is an immediate fail. And the worst offense to occur in almost all ports is the total loss of graphic integrity just to make the game available on the best selling console.

For their own good, if you see or hear a developer creating a port, the only appropriate response is a waffle iron upside their head. And don't worry about going to jail, because in the end, they'll appreciate it.

I personally feel the picture explains this pretty well. Proprietary games suck and DAH is now on my shit list. DAH1 and 2 were both on PS2, but then came along "Big Willy" available only on the Wii. And next was the 4th game in the sage, "Path of the Furon", which picks the storyline where the "Willy" leaves off. Wait. What? So first you have to play the Wii version to lead into the 360 game? Also, since the first 2 were on PS, why the fuck aren't the other 2? Was someone at THQ on crack while developing these games? Dicks. You might be thinking, "Maybe the PS3 is hard to develop for, so that is why "Path" is on 360 instead. Well that argument would certainly hold water except that "Path" was released on the PS3 in Europe. So clearly the real excuse is that the game was released in Spanish in Spain, French in France, and, oh....what is that language they speak in England...Klingon? I always forget.

People, please stop inviting me to join your mob or mafia or whatever group just so you can be the biggest clan of something which clearly makes you the coolest thing since mesh underwear. Unless you intend to really go out and start "whacking" people, then I have no interest in being part of your crew. As a sidenote, you can expect a horse's head under your pillow for Christmas.

I am so fucking sick of these people who feel the need to flash around their iPods and have to get the new one the second it comes out. These assholes stand in line for 2 weeks to get the new 120gb iPod when they currently have a 60gb iPod and only 10gb of media on it. At this point, I really don't know anyone under the age of 40 who doesn't have an iPod, so why do these pricks feel the need to still flash them around like they are cooler than everyone else? Nobody cares that you have an iPhone. You don't need to whip it out the minute you walk into a room. And, in fact, most people think you are a moron for paying ridiculous data fees.

If you see an iPod flasher, immediately slap their iPod to the ground and hope it breaks. If it doesn't break,begin jumping on it until it is completely ruined. While jumping I also suggest watching the owner's face as the sheer terror of what is occurring is plastered all over their showy face. As a cover, you should probably apologize and say you were scared and confused that it was some strange alien device and necessary to protect Earth.

"It's wow. It's so wow you'll be like wow. It's a sham...uh, I mean...shammy. And...ah..yeah...wow. Has anyone seen my lithium?"

Dear infomercial gods, is this unenthusiastic self loathing moron supposed to be the new Billy Mays? Seriously, was Billy Mays on vacation and the ShamWow crew grabbed some random kid away from getting his ass kicked at Halo to do the commercial? I bet you the national suicide rate goes up every time this guy talks, which to the benefit of ShamWow, it is probably good at soaking up all the blood in the carpet.And what the fuck is with the headset? Like there isn't a boom mike above him as well as others in the studio.

I hope Billy Mays runs into this kid one day and the combination of OxiClean fumes and his ridiculously thunderous voice makes this asshole's head explodes. wow.