Dipping into the Mailbag
Hi all. It has been awhile since I have posted some of the many emails I receive from fans. Here is an assortment of the most interesting ones I have received in the last couple months, so enjoy!
Do worm-holes exist, or is it just something physicists bring up at parties to get laid. What would SCI-FI movies do if worm-holes didnít exist?
In order to answer the first part of your question, let me tell you a little story. I recall this time in high school where me and my buddy Ted were failing history and trying to form the greatest rock group of all time, Wild Stallions. Well to our surprise, one day this guy named Rufus showed up and gave us this telephone booth that actually allowed us to travel through time via worm-holes and pick up historical figures. I could go on and on about our adventure, but I'll just leave it at YES worm-holes do exist.
The second part of your first question confuses me a little...someone is actually having sex with physicists? Is it other physicists? Maybe dumb chicks are confusing worm-holes with being "corn holed"? Well I guess the obvious answer would be that you can pay a hooker to do anything, even pretend to find worm-holes exciting.
And to answer your final question: What would SCI-FI movies do if worm-holes didn't exist? Fat chicks in masks. Absolutely frightening.
Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction like I used to? Well our all natural herbal medications can help your penis stay hard even longer. No more embarrassing moments with the ladies. Act now and we will guarantee free shipping.
Well unlike you my penis has always worked fine although I have been suffering from what I call "projectile dysfunction". You see, twice last week, once while I was banging your mom and the other time while I was banging your sister, they asked me to shoot my load all over their faces, but underestimating the power of my own super sperm it over shot their heads and blasted a hole straight into the wall. Also, I am sorry about the shot that ricocheted and hit your dog. Oh, but glad to hear to hear your penis is working fine now. - JS
How are you today? I am writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the will of God for you to help me and my family. I'm Christiana Gombeh, female student from University of South Africa, I am 25 years old. Well, my father Jerry Gombeh, he died earlier two months ago and left I and my yonger brother behind. He was a king, which our town citizens titled him over sixteen years before his death. Iím a princess to him and I am the only person who can take care of his wealth now because my younger brother is still young and my mother is not literate enough to know all my father's wealth. He left the sum of USD 8.350, 000.00 dollars in a security company in South Africa. This money was annually paid into my late fathers account from Shell Petroleum Development Company operating in our locality for the compensation of youth and community development in our country We are correntlly living in South Africa as a refugee. I don't know how and what I will do to invest this money somewhere in abroad, so that my father's kindred will not take over what belongs to my father and our family, which they were planning to do without my present because I am a female as stated by our culture. I urgently need your humble assistance to move this money from the security company to your bank account and I strongly believe that by the grace of God, you will help me invest this money wisely.
Dear Princess Ripmeoff,
I see that you are in college, well maybe you should take some time there and learn how to use spell check So let me see how this works...I give you my bank account information and all of that money will magically show up in my account? That sounds great! I look forward to riding my unicorn to the bank and withdrawing all my new found cash in order to purchase the moon, which I will then blow up with my laser beam eyes. Well once you take all my money away from me at least I will have one humble thought to help me sleep at night: I can always move to Africa as a refugee and they will put me in college. Oh and tell your lazy brother to get a job.
Sincerely yours and now broke,
Hello to you!
I am ready to kill myself and eat my dog, if medicine prices here are bad.
Look, the site and call me 1-800 if its wrong.
My dog and I are still alive :) - Matt
Well hello to you as well,
Matt, I tried to give you a call at 1-800, but unfortunately the operator informed me that phone numbers have been longer than 4 digits since the phone was invented. Is it possible you forgot a couple numbers? Also, I don't know if you should kill yourself because of the prices, but I think your usage of the English language is bad enough to warrant suicide. Are you a college student in Africa by any chance? And what is with offering to eat your dog? You sound like the kind of guy who would cut off a toe and give it to his girlfriend as a gift. I would suggest that since you have found such a good deal on medicine prices, that you buy as many pills as possible and take them all at once...and just when you think you have had too many...swallow another bottle. Enjoy! - JS
AMBIEN, VALIUM, VIAGRA, PROZAC, CIALIS, MERIDIA, XANAX, LEVITRA, SOMA
When the tale of their joumeyings was told, there were other tales, and yet more tales, tales of long ago, and tales. of new things, and tales of no time at all, till Bilbos head fell forward on his chest, and he snored comfortably in a corner.He woke to find himself in a white bed, and the moon shining through an open window. Below it many elves were singing loud and clear on the
Riiiight, well two can play this game...
Aspirin, Tylenol, Advil, Bayer, Excedrin, Aleve, and Crack
Oh and thank you so much for that bit of story at the bottom as their is nothing quite like a cliffhanger on an email. I am sure the story at the bottom is also an original story by you and has nothing to do with The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings. I look forward to your next 6000 emails so I can piece them all together and finally read your complete story about Bilbo.
I saw your picture online and thought you were really cute. Me and my girlfriends are online all the time and looking for guys to watch us fool around on cam. I would love for you to watch me and it's totally FREE! All you need is a credit card to verify age. I really hope to hear from you because looking at your picture right now is really making me horny.
Cindy, how have you been? I would so love to watch you and your girl's fool around with each other, but unfortunately all my money somehow ended up in Africa with Princess Gombeh and now I no longer have credit cards. It makes me feel super special to know that my picture can make a girl like you horny, in fact since you are so horny, I would suggest you go fuck yourself.
Do you love poker? Well come join our Texas Holdem tournament and you could win up to $500,000. Join today with only a credit card. We look forward to seeing you.
DAMN YOU PRINCESS GOMBEH!
Would you like to please your woman for up to 4 hours? Well who wouldn't? Act today and you can receive online Viagra at a great price. Viagra is the number one pill for helping men stay hard for hours. Act now and enjoy!
"Online Viagra"? Is that like a picture or Lindsay Lohan and Olsen twins naked instead of a pill? I hope so because those mental images could keep me going for hours. Plus Mike, you have it all wrong. If you want to keep a woman happy for up to 4 hours all you need to do is send her to a spa for the day. Trust me when I say the smile on her face will last even longer than four hours. Also I don't think it would be good for me to be hard that long, especially after all the damage I did to Dave's mom and sis with my super sperm...and that was all under a minute. But if you happen to know of anything that can make your penis longer, feel free to send some information my way? - JS
Does your penis size make you feel small? If so, we have just what you have been waiting for. You can find pills, lotions, creams and pumps that can all make your penis grow up to 2 inches longer and all a great price. Give your penis and your self esteem the extra boost it deserves. Be the big man you always knew you were today!
- Big Jim
Ha! Big Jim! Great name!
Wow! Did Mike put you up to this? He is a tricky one. I have to give you credit for creativity with the "esteem boost" and "big man" comments. Well Al, here is the deal...I have this friend named Princess Gombeh from Africa who is looking for a place to invest large sums of money and then it hit me "Is there any investment in life better than enlarging penises?" And honestly, I cannot think of one. We can give the pumps, creams, etc to people all over the world and will see how the smiles on children everywhere get bigger with every pump. On a side note, could I also get one for my buddy Dave. Dave has had some other penis problems and I think this could really "lift his spirit". - JS
....AND NOW AN ACTUAL FAN EMAIL...
Your dating guide rocks. I was a fat, loner who jerked off a lot. I went on your 30 day diet (smoking crack the whole time) ended up in rehab (but I received full pay cause I was referred to Employee Assistance Program), lost 10 more pounds in REHAB, banged my counselor in the ass all thanks to you. And now, I donít eat (I have the physique of the Machinist) but I have sex a lot. Tough bitches are the best. But, I donít make then cry, they make me cry. Iíll insult them, theyíll punch me in my bird chest, Iíll cry and then Iíll score the sympathy fuck- itís awesome! You make Dr. Ruth and Dear Abby look like a bunch of dried-up old twats. Youíre the greatest!
When I get emails like this, I realize that all the time and money I have put into my site has really been worth it. It's great to know that I have made a real difference in someone's life. (tear)
Sincerely hating fat chicks,