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Garden Yeti - SUCKS
GNOME DICK Now don't get me wrong, at first glance I too thought, "Garden Yeti? That's pretty bad ass." I mean, who wouldn't be amused by seeing someone run from your yard screaming in terror and in fear of being attacked by an 8 ft sasquatch? It would be unquestionably awesome. However, "Garden Yeti" (or so he calls himself) is just over 2 ft tall?!! Who the hell would be scared of a 2 ft Yeti? I know garden gnomes that could kick this guy's ass. Maybe when Garden Yeti grows up he will be cooler, but for now he is the little kid in gym class that everybody hits with the dodgeball. |
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Marshmallow Shooter - SUCKS AIR Yes, you read that correctly. That is a "Marshmallow Shooter". It shoots marshmallows. Have you ever been shot with a marshmallow? Would you even know if you got shot with a marshmallow? How do you even come up with a concept this lame? Were two guys camping outside in the woods and while one was making smores he realized "I left the marshmallows in the tent", but the guy in the tent just didn't have the energy to carry over the bag, so he thought, "If only I had a way to get the marshmallows to the chocolate and graham from here." And thus was born the MARSHMALLOW SHOOTER - the most useless weapon...ever. Anyone who buys this should be shot with a pvc potato cannon just so they know what getting hit with projectile food is supposed to feel like . |
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World's Largest Crossword Puzzle - SUCKS A NERD
FART Why for the love of God would you want to put this giant puzzle on your wall and then fill it out? I once drew on the wall as a kid and I got my ass beat. The same should happen to people who buy this. Seriously, no one is dumb enough to try and complete this all in a day, so you can pretty much bet they will go into one clue a day mode. What happens when you are 3 months into this fucking thing and find out you made a mistake? Do you whip out an eraser and try to fix 3 months of possible errors? Do you buy a new one and start over? No. You just wasted 3 months of your life on a puzzle you will never finish. Moron. |
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6-Device Electronics
Charger - SUCKS A LOT OF ENERGY How many USB devices do you charge at a time? 9? 10? LIAR!! Looking at the picture I can't even figure out what the hell some of those devices are. You may have a bluetooth headset, an iPod, a cell phone, a gaming device, but how many of those things do you charge daily, let alone by USB? Unless you are planning on smuggling 6 of your Mexican buddies across the border in a hidden compartment of your car and want to make sure they all have full battery life on their iPods, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU NEED THIS? |
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Garden Sumo - SUCKS
DOWN ALL YOUR FOOD Once again, what is the point of making something cool if it is only 2 feet tall? Garden Yeti is actually cooler than this fat ass. If you feel the desire to put a sumo guy in your yard, find a living sumo wrestler and pay him to stand in your yard. Wait! Better yet, find a little fat kid and pay him to follow around anyone who comes into your yard and have him just repeat "food" over and over. I bet you by the end of the month, your mailman either brings the fat kid food or hits him in the face with the pepper spray. Either way, you win. |
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Prism Glasses - SUCK
OUT YOUR BRAIN I have seen some lazy people in my life, but none that were so lazy that they couldn't even sit up to read. Here's an idea, if you want to read lying down, hold the book over your fucking head! (But JS, my arms get tired.) Then here is another idea, either put the book down and take a nap or get your lazy ass to the gym and build some strength in those custard filled arms. If you have a medical condition that keeps you from lifting your upper torso, fine, I accept that you may need these things, but if that is not the case, you deserve to be pistol whipped until you can't lift your upper torso and then AND only then you can have the glasses. |
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Warm Whiskers
Neckwrap - SUCKS HAIRBALL Anyone seem my dead cat named Whiskers? I can't seem to find him. Oh wait, here he is around my neck. That crazy cat corpse always shows up in the darnedest of places. When I'm not using him to warm my neck, I use him as doorstopper, a wand to beat against my dirty rugs, and sometimes as a potholder. Silly Whiskers. Okay, seriously though, I don't care how much you like cats, this thing is fucked up. |
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Sun System - SUCKS AWAY MY HEALTH In case you've been in a coma for the last ten years, by now you should know that tanning beds can cause skin cancer. So, if you're that special kind of person out there looking for skin cancer on just your face, well this is the product for you. Look at the chick in the picture again. Go ahead. Would you sit at a table with this thing in front of you just to make your face tan? No. If you are going to fake bake, at least go into a tanning bed and get full body skin cancer. If the blisters were just on your face, people would thing you had some weird form of herpes or leprosy. The worst part about seeing a product like this is that you know some jackass is moving the thing all around their body trying to get an even tan when with something this small it is fucking impossible. |
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Phone Booth Media Cabinet - SUCKS OUT MY
SANITY This stupid contraption breaks the first rule of making miniature versions of things, and that rule is that it should ACTUALLY be a miniature-working version of the real thing. If they had put a phone in this phone booth, I would have respected it, but why the fuck would you want to put your cds and dvds in a fucking phone booth? Seriously, why? This thing is gayer than gay. If someone told me their copy of "Superbad" was on the second shelf of their phone booth, I would seriously have to stop and think if I heard them correctly, which would then be followed by me beating their head in with a real phone. The people who buy crap like this would probably also buy an 80's style boom-box that doesn't play music, but instead brews fresh coffee while jerking you off. On second thought, look for the NEW "80's STYLE PERK-N-JERK STEREO" in the next edition of Skymall. Make me rich...BIATCH! |