20 Things I'd Teach My Son
1. Never drink and drive. Instead find a friend who doesn't like to drink and make him drive you everywhere. Bonus points if he has an expensive car.
2. Always wear a seat belt. You never know when you will swerve your car trying to stare at a hot chick on the sidewalk.
3. If you are going to have a one night stand and neither of you has a condom, don't use your real name.
4. Rainbows in the sky are pretty. Rainbows on cars are gay. Try not to get the two confused.
5. Don't kiss other guys, because people will think you are gay, unless you are gay, in which case go ahead and kiss guys, but don't be gay about it.
6. Remember which hole on a girl your penis goes in, just in case you are luckily enough to go for extra points.
7. It's okay to play with dolls as an "in" to get girls, but don't enjoy it.
8. If you are going to play doctor with a girl, make sure you aren't the patient.
9. Don't stick army men into the brown hole on a dog's rear. They don't like that.
10. Don't do drugs...unless someone else paid for them and they cost a lot of money.
11. Make lots of money or become an athlete, that way you will always bang hot chicks. They may not love you, but you'll love saying you bang hot chicks.
12. One word: PRENUP.
13. Don't let a girl name your penis because she will give it a "cute" name. If she does, give her vagina an unpleasant name like "Gigantor". She won't be using her name for your penis after that.
14. Laugh a lot, but try not to fart while doing so.
15. Never ride a motorcycle. There is just something disturbing about a man straddling something that vibrates between his legs.
16. If you are going to make fun of fat people, make sure you take into account the "funny to crushing" ratio, in case they try to sit on you.
17. Girls don't like to get punched in the face...well most of them don't.
18. Drink beer that tastes like steak and potatoes. Fruity beers are for girls.
19. Date dumb girls because they are more interesting and usually hotter. Marry a smart girl, but make sure she is still hot.
20. Real boobs taste the same as fake boobs. I suggest you try this out for yourself.
21. If something smells fishy, use a snorkel. (This piece of advice works on so many levels.)
22. Learn how to count to 20.
