WHEN ROBOTS RULE THE EARTH...
At this stage in my life, I have pretty much accepted that at some points robots will take over the Earth and make humans their slaves. According to my friend Eric, this should happen sometime around the year 2025. I could argue with him about the year, but for all I know he is psychic. However, before the robots go all Terminator/Matrix on us, I believe there will be a time when robots and humans attempt to live as equals. As this time will inevitably come, these are the things I am predicting.
HUMANS WILL HAVE SEX WITH ROBOTS.
In the future we will have sex with robots AND if those robots happen to look anything like Summer Glau, I am really looking forward to it. To borrow a phrase from Futurama, I will definitely be suffering from "metal fever". Think about it. If you could design your own robot, make it look however you wanted, make it do whatever you wanted, why would you not take advantage of this? You wouldn't even have to worry about condoms or pregnancy, although there is the off chance of getting a metal splinter in your junk. And who knows, there may also end up being robo-sex diseases like electro-gonorrhea or robo-titas, but those types of things don't stop us from having sex now. Plus, as long as you check the dip stick before going for a ride, you know with a robot that there is already plenty of lube.
ROBOTS WILL PLAY PROFESSIONAL SPORTS.
Because robots are much stronger than humans, all professional sports will be played by robots. Initially humans will replace their normal limbs with bionic limbs in an attempt to compete, but the usage of "performance enhancers", like bionic limbs, are considered unfair play and are therefore illegal. Humankind will learn to accept this defeat (similarly to how it is now for white people and basketball). Few humans do still manage to compete, like Roger Clemens. Roger still continues to come out of retirement year after year at a billion gajillion dollars a game, but is unfortunately accused of having bionic limbs while claiming to still only be on Vitamin B. Not all hope is lost though as humans still have hockey because robots have weak ankles.
ALL MEATS WILL BE IN CANS.
In fear that we will be giving robots ideas on how to kill us, in the future there will be no meats on sticks. No more beef teriyaki. No more shish kebob. We won't even use skewers on the grill during a nice summer cookout. By putting all our meats in cans, we are sending a kind symbolic message to the far superior robots. We are saying, "Yeah, we are all meaty and soft on the inside, but on the outside lies the tough metal exterior of a robot. We feel your robo-pain, brothers."
THE WORD "ROBOT" IS OUTLAWED.
Following the "Great Robo-Rebellion of 2015", the use of the word "robot" is outlawed. The use of the word "robot" is considered to be derogatory term as it considered the slave term for robots. Other robo-terms we will be unable to use will be "Uncle Asimo", "Nigbot", "Johnny 5", "Robbie Junior", "Shiny Bitch", and "Darkie". As required by law, we will refer to robots as our "Metal-Lords". Initially Christians throughout the world are offended, but the robots kill anyone who disagrees. We learn to accept this.
POPULAR DANCE MOVES WILL IMITATE NORMAL HUMAN MOVEMENT.
As it is today, "the robot" is perhaps one of the coolest dances that can be done. Seriously, when you go to a party and see someone doing the robot, can you not help but think "wow, that guy is super cool to the max"? I bet you can't. In the future, however the popular dance moves will imitate simple human movement. Due to the lack of flexibility of our fellow robo-sapiens (metal isn't bendy) and because we mocked their moves for years, they will make our cheesy dance moves their own. Robots will be doing the "running man", "moonwalk", "shopping cart", "catch a fish", and the "lawn mower". They will attempt to do the "lawn sprinkler" but in doing so they actually spray lube everywhere, which makes for a slippery situation. In the future, doing "the robot" will be considered lame.
NO ONE WILL SPEAK ENGLISH.
Because the robots are tired of having to be programmed with so many languages, they will merge some of the most used languages and force us to speak these languages. Our options will be Spanglish (Spanish-English), Chimpanese (Chinese-Monkey-Japanese) and Binary. While Spanglish as an official language is not far from now and a moderately entertaining movie featuring Adam Sandler, Chimpanese will be a language that will even allow us to communicate directly with monkeys. Sadly though, monkeys will continue to throw poo at us because they think it is funny. Also, have you even been insulted in binary? Honestly, how do you stand up for yourself when a robot calls you a "101100101001011"? Bastards.
COCA-COLA WILL SELL OIL.
In an attempt to grow its katamari of global beverage domination, Coca-Cola will begin selling cans of oils. Pepsi will attempt to get into the market, but an addictive ingredient in the Coke will make it the supreme being in the oil industry. Coke will make a variety of oil types to compete in the industry and take up more shelf space. There will be regular oil, diet oil, crystal clear oil, one calorie oil with Splenda and a hint of lemon and new car smell. At one point Coke will attempt to market a new version of Coke oil without the addictive ingredient and call it "New Coke-Oil", but due to a lack of sales they will reintroduce the old Coke and call it "Coca-Cola Classic Oil". A huge marketing campaign will follow and will be endorsed by robo-celebrities.
ROBO-REALITY TV WILL BE A HIT.
By some cruel force of nature, American Idol is still on television. On the bright side, all three of the original hosts have been replaced by highly entertaining robots: the Insultinator continues to make the contestants cry, a Dance-droid unit with a malfunctioning depression unit is the soft spot, and WhadupDawg-bot #213 still "ain't feelin' it". Robots and humans both compete in the competition, but the robots are able to dial the phone much faster and repetitively, thus removing all hopes of humans to make it deep into the competition. Other robo-reality hits will be "Pimp My Metal Ass", "The Real Metal-Lord Wives of the OC", "The Real World – Mars", and "Miami Ink" (robots like tattoos).
ROBOTS WILL STEAL CREDIT CARD INFO.
In the future, even robots will get spam and the lesser programmed robots will fall for it. Robots will get notifications that they won the Spanish lottery or that a prince in Africa needs help and will provide monetary retribution if you give them a credit card number. Unfortunately most robots are under 18 years old and have no established credit, thus robots will steal our credit card numbers. In order to steal our credit card information, the robots will send us notifications that we won the Spanish lottery or that a prince in Africa needs help and will provide monetary retribution if we give them a credit card number. Sadly the lesser programmed humans will fall for it.
ANGELINA JOLIE WILL ADOPT ROBOTS.
After completing her task of
adopting a human child from every poor country in the entire world, Angelina
Jolie will begin adopting robots. Poorly
made robots from Korea and Taiwan will be her initial focus as they cannot get
the proper oil changes nor rust-proof coating that is available in wealthier
countries. Eventually she will
decide that she would like to know what it is like to give birth to a robot of
her own and begin taking engineering classes.
Once she has completed building her own robot, she will immediately move
onto the next country and look for the next poorly made robot in need of love.
In the end though, her robot children get tired of traveling to every
poor ass country and decide to kill her. This
incident will be the catalyst that leads to end of humankind in 2025.
And honestly, who wants to live
in a world without Angelina Jolie anyway? Not
me, that is for sure.
…unless I could make a robot version of her…hmmm.